Wednesday, July 4, 2012

My First Journal Entry: Cross-centered Love and Sexual Purity


Just reminiscing the past while seeking to restore this long lost discipline of mine...


December 3, 2007
After waking up, I felt like everything’s alright since I sensed the peace I have long lost before. I believed that if I only remain prayerful and mindful of Him, this feeling will not depart from my breast. And its not that this expectation failed but that God has shown me that He wants this heart of mine to be thoroughly pure before Him, as He peels its dirty layers of unrecognized sins.
Though hurrying for my Discrete Math Class at 8 o’clock a.m. and knowing that we’ll be having a quiz, I still managed not to be anxious about it and to 'take it to God in prayer'. After my arrival at school, our Professor postponed the quiz. Providence indeed! Then time quickly fled. I was happy knowing that tomorrow will be our University Meet, which implies that there’ll be no classes!
After that subject class, I was informed that our teacher for our next class was not around. I therefore must again wait for my next class, that is, 1 at the afternoon. I decided to continue reading the book (Boy Meets Girl, by Joshua Harris) which I’ve almost finished for only few days. Books written by this man greatly affect me, and I guess this book is what thrilled me the most! When I was 16, I’ve read his book ‘Not Even a Hint’, ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ on my 17, and now that I’m 18, I’m about to finish the book, which my spiritual parents actually discouraged for us to read (it seems untimely for them). In some sense they’re right, but God still used that ‘forbidden’ book for my sanctification.
I was on the third section of the book. That really ‘judged’ me and made me see how earthly still my thoughts are. All throughout my Christian life, my respect for this couple Joshua and Shannon Harris was so high, especially when it comes to romance and relationships. I often relate to Josh’s experiences and I often think that if I were to marry someday, I want to marry a ‘Shannon’ too. But not soon after reading the story of Shannon admitting to Joshua that she is no longer a virgin since fourteen. My initial reaction is actually dismay, NOT because of the essence of sin (lawlessness before a holy God) but my own unjust view of levels of sin. It is self-righteousness that first swallowed me up. I judged her as if I’m God. And now I’ve been thinking what would be my reaction if I were in the position of Josh. Would I be as quick as him to see the reality of sin in view of the cross? I admit, ‘No’. Would my attitude and view of her change? The truth is ‘Yes’. It seemed to me a thing still so unfair though she was still an unbeliever during those times! ‘Why?’ I asked myself. And justified my reaction, ‘Because she has been long dishonest’. ‘Really, that’s the very reason? Why do you want him to be honest about that?’ says my conscience. Then, I came to the point of viewing myself worse than ever before because inside me virginity greatly mattered, especially with women. But I just have made up my own ‘holy laws’ that contradict the very laws of God. ‘The Lord looks at the heart’ says the Bible, but I look at performances [as though virginity's the sole basis of  purity]. I valued the marriage bed so high that I’ve forgotten that even I am not worthy of ANY pleasure, and that I, by myself, am unable to resist sin! My judgment is earthly. Then, I began thinking what if the girl I presently admire and whom I’m seeing as a potential wife became my wife in the future and admitted the same sin the moment we’re about to have our honeymoon. Would I comfort her or despise her? Or, what if it is God’s will for me to marry a plain wife? Would I grieve and rebel? I prayed, therefore, and admitted that I can’t be sure I’ll be as wise as Josh if those instances occur. Yet it made me realize of the necessity of renewing my thoughts, and made me plan things to appropriate His grace both for myself and for others. I started considering who I am NOW in view of the reality of sin and sanctification. I thought about my growth and the unseen hindrances on this particular area. This is the start of this journal. And I hope I would continue writing and find someone who will be accountable to me concerning these struggles. ‘I am earthly’. And I thank my Lord for the cross, which already paid the consequences of my sins, and destroyed their reigning power over my life. And whether or not I’ll find a precious Shannon, I WANT to be content and rejoice with what God will give me… for my good, and CHIEFLY for His glory.