My First Journal Entry: Cross-centered Love and Sexual Purity

Just reminiscing the past while seeking to restore this long-lost discipline of mine...

December 3, 2007

After waking up, I felt like everything was alright since I sensed the peace I have long lost before. I believed that if I only remain prayerful and mindful of Him, this feeling will not depart from my breast. And it's not that this expectation failed but that God has shown me that He wants this heart of mine to be thoroughly pure before Him, as He peels its dirty layers of unrecognized sins.

Though hurrying for my Discrete Math Class at 8 o’clock a.m. and knowing that we’ll be having a quiz, I still managed not to be anxious about it and to 'take it to God in prayer. After I arrived at school, our Professor postponed the quiz. Providence indeed! Then time quickly fled. I was happy knowing that tomorrow will be our University Meet, which implies that there’ll be no classes!

After that subject class, I was informed that our teacher for our next class was not around. I, therefore, must again wait for my next class, that is, 1 in the afternoon. I decided to continue reading the book (Boy Meets Girl, by Joshua Harris) which I’ve almost finished in only a few days. Books written by this man greatly affect me, and I guess this book is what thrilled me the most! When I was 16, I read his book ‘Not Even a Hint’, ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ on my 17, and now that I’m 18, I’m about to finish the book, which my spiritual parents actually discouraged for us to read (it seems untimely for them). In some sense they’re right, but God still used that ‘forbidden’ book for my sanctification.

I was in the third section of the book. That really ‘judged’ me and made me see how earthly still my thoughts are. All throughout my Christian life, my respect for this couple Joshua and Shannon Harris was so high, especially when it comes to romance and relationships. I often relate to Josh’s experiences and I often think that if I were to marry someday, I want to marry a ‘Shannon’ too. But not soon after reading the story of Shannon admitting to Joshua that she is no longer a virgin since fourteen. My initial reaction is actually dismay, NOT because of the essence of sin (lawlessness before a holy God) but my own unjust view of levels of sin. It is self-righteousness that first swallowed me up. I judged her as if I were God. And now I’ve been thinking about what would be my reaction if I were in the position of Josh. Would I be as quick as him to see the reality of sin in view of the cross? I admit, ‘No’. Would my attitude and view of her change? The truth is ‘Yes’. It seemed unfair even though she was still an unbeliever during those times! ‘Why?’ I asked myself. And justified my reaction, ‘Because she has been long dishonest’. ‘Really, that’s the very reason? Why do you want him to be honest about that?’ says my conscience. Then, I came to the point of viewing myself worse than ever before because inside me virginity greatly mattered, especially with women. But I just have made up my own ‘holy laws’ that contradict the very laws of God. ‘The Lord looks at the heart’ says the Bible, but I look at performances [as though virginity's the sole basis of purity]. I valued the marriage bed so high that I’ve forgotten that even I am not worthy of ANY pleasure and that I, by myself, am unable to resist sin! My judgment is earthly. Then, I began thinking what if the girl I presently admire and whom I’m seeing as a potential wife became my wife in the future and admitted the same sin the moment we’re about to have our honeymoon. Would I comfort her or despise her? Or, what if it is God’s will for me to marry a plain wife? Would I grieve and rebel? I prayed, therefore, and admitted that I can’t be sure I’ll be as wise as Josh if those instances occur. Yet it made me realize the necessity of renewing my thoughts, and made me plan things to appropriate His grace both for myself and for others. I started considering who I am NOW in view of the reality of sin and sanctification. I thought about my growth and the unseen hindrances in this particular area. This is the start of this journal. And I hope I would continue writing and find someone who will be accountable to me concerning these struggles. ‘I am earthly’. And I thank my Lord for the cross, which already paid the consequences of my sins, and destroyed their reigning power over my life. And whether or not I’ll find a precious Shannon, I WANT to be content and rejoice with what God will give me… for my good, and CHIEFLY for His glory. 

In a Relationship... Biblical Relationship!

In almost every aspect of life, Christians may have these two extremes: legalism and antinomianism. Legalism is trying to make a certain principle God's commandment for us when in fact it is not. Antinomianism came from the Greek words "anti" (= against) and "nomos" (= law). It is trying to make a principle as not God's commandment for us when in fact it is. Both are wrong and both dishonor God.

When it comes to premarital, romantic relationships, how can you avoid becoming either a legalist or an antinomian? The answer, of course, is by consulting the word of God.

I believe that Dr. Rick Holland[1] beautifully did. The following is a summarized part of his essay entitled "The Guided Path", found in Alex Chediak's Book, 5 Paths To The Love of Your Love[2]. You can read the whole essay here: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV.

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The (Single) Purpose of Premarital Relationships

"Premarital relationships should serve one purpose: to test the relationship for marriage. Let me say it another way: There is no good reason to have a girlfriend or boyfriend until a person is ready to get married! ... Readiness involves being old enough and mature enough to assume the responsibilities of marriage. No romantic relationship should ever begin unless marriage is the possible—even probable—outcome."

[The following are 10 biblical principles for romantic relationships useful to make you ready and/or to guide you when you're ready for a dating[2] relationship]

The Ten Principles for a God-Centered Relationship

1. The Character Principle

Meaning:

"The Character Principle is about being the right person more than finding the right person. If your character is being conformed more and more into the image of Christ, you will desire the right kind of person."

Biblical Basis: Titus 2:2-8

• godly character is a product of Spiritual Discipleship (example is mentoring)
• godly character is consisted of Qualities such as humility, (see Phil. 2:3-11) holiness (see 2 Pet. 1:14-16). godly love (see 1 Cor. 13:4-8), selflessness (see Jas. 3:14). the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-25), Christlikeness (see Eph. 4:13).
• godly character is also the main character in Evaluating a person (see Prov. 31:30)

2. The Confirmation Principle

Meaning:

"The Confirmation Principle is the commitment to submit one's life and relationship to the spiritual scrutiny of God's authority, care, and protection represented here on earth."

Biblical Basis:

• Parental Confirmation (Exo. 20:12; Lev. 19:3; Deut. 21:18-21; 27:16; Mt. 15:4; Rom. 1:28-32; Eph. 6:1-2; 2 Tim. 3:1-5)
• Church Affirmation (see Eph. 4:11-16; 1 Tim.; 2 Tim.; Titus; Heb. 13:7,17)
• Friend Affirmation (Prov. 12:15; 15:22; 19:20-21; 27:9)

3. The Contentment Principle

Meaning:
"The foundation for developing a righteous relationship with a member of the opposite sex is the ultimate relationship — your relationship with God. If you are not happy with God alone, you will not be happy with someone else. ... Taking that anything other than God will bring satisfaction and happiness is to make that object an idol in one's life."

Biblical Basis: Phil. 4:10-13; 1 Tim. 6:6-7 

4. The Common Ground Principle

Meaning:

"A Christian should consider only another Christian for a romantic relationship and marriage."

Biblical Basis: 2 Cor. 6:14-18; 1 Cor. 7:39
"If wise King Solomon was ruined by relationships with unbelievers [1 Kings 11:4], who do we think we are imagining we can handle it?"

5. The Cultivation Principle

Meaning:
"Dating relationships need cultivating."
[It is best cultivated when...]

• you see each other first as spiritual siblings
• getting to know each other in groups first (parents, church leaders, spiritually mature friends).
  
  "Spending time together with no one else around is asking for trouble. The biggest danger in being alone is the temptation to express inappropriate physical... and inappropriate emotional affection."

Biblical Basis:

• Christians as spiritually related (Jn. 13:34-35; 15:12,17)
• The phrase "one another" used almost 40x in NT.

6. The Complementarian Principle

Meaning:

"The term complementary comes from the biblical teaching that men and women have been given different roles so they might complement each other. The complementarian position recognizes the uniqueness in God's creative order with respect to men and women."

"At the heart of mature masculinity is a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for, and protect women in ways appropriate to a man's differing relationships. ... 

At the heart of true femininity is a freeing disposition to affirm, receive, and nurture strength and leadership from worthy men in ways appropriate to a woman's differing relationships."  (John Piper)

Biblical Basis: Gen. 1-3; Eph. 5:21-33; Col. 3:18-19; 1 Tim. 3:4,12; Tit. 2:3-5; 1 Pet. 3:1-7
[To be ready for marriage...]

• Men need to learn to Christlike leadership. (see Eph. 5:22-33)
• Women need to learn wise submission to men worthy of this privilege.

"This means that a man should be the initiator in a relationship. Because a wife's role is clearly to follow the leadership of her husband, a single woman should allow a man to pursue her only if he is worthy of her submission."

7. The Companionship Principle

Meaning:

"God invented marriage because man was alone, not because he was lonely. From the very beginning, God has intended relationships to be about glorifying Him by purposeful companionship. So the purpose of marriage is simple: to serve, represent, and glorify God as a two-in-one team. Dating[2] serves as an arena for testing a relationship to see if it glorifies God enough to warrant marriage. This is the Companionship Principle."

Biblical Basis: Gen. 2:18

"A man should not judge a woman solely on how she looks without makeup; in the same way, a man should not consider only whether or not a man has good hygiene. Instead, both should determine if the other has a true heart for the things of God."

"Physical attraction should play a part of premarital attraction, but only a part. ... physical desire should be satisfied in marriage, but the satisfaction of companionship should be more important."

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be always intoxicated in her love. (Proverbs 5:18-19, emphasis added)

8. The Commitment Principle

Meaning:
"Love is a commitment. It is a decision to be made and a promise to be kept. It is the way Christians care for one another. And it is the way a husband and wife reflect the glory of Jesus Christ. Real, genuine, sincere, biblical love endures all things and stays committed to an imperfect person. I am not suggesting that you can never break off a dating relationship—even if you have told someone you love him or her. Rather, in a romantic context, those words should be reserved for communicating a permanent relational commitment."

Biblical Basis: 1 Cor. 13:4-18; Eph. 5:22-23

9. The Communication Principle

Meaning: 
"At the core of every problem in marriage and premarital relationships is prideful selfishness. And nothing solves this problem more than communication. If you want to be successful relationally, learning to communicate biblically is nonnegotiable. ... God-honoring communication is the bridge that will take you to relational enjoyment and get you over the inevitable conflicts of relationships."

• The key is humility. Put the focus of your communication on the other person
• Let Jesus flavor what you say and how you say it.

Biblical Basis: Eph. 4:25-29; Lk. 6:45

10. The Chastity Principle

Meaning:
"Sexual sin is prohibited, uniquely offensive to God, damaging, against God's will, a violation of the Holy Spirit's presence, and a sinful use of your body that was bought by the blood of Jesus."
Biblical Basis: 1 Cor. 6:18-20; 1 Thess. 4:3-7

"Promiscuity before marriage refers to the robbing of the other of that virginity which ought to be brought to a marriage. The future partner of such a one has been defrauded." (Leon Morris)

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I believe that these principles are to be kept regardless of your method in premarital relationships. And we should honor them because they came from the word of God. May each of us learn to submit our love life to the Lord of heaven and earth.

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[1] "Dr. Rick Holland is the pastor of College and Student Ministries at Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, California, and an instructor at The Master's College and Seminary." (p.216)  

[2] My (Donnie) personal, theological view is the same with Rick Holland. But, practically, I adhere to the "courtship" method. See Joshua Harris' I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl. For me, it is the best method to apply the biblical principles.
[3] Holland here used the term "Dating" broadly. Synonymous to the process of doing premarital relationships.